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Here we go - the topic so endlessly frustrating and maddening that it has left a scar on almost everyone’s hearts in modern dating: the fuckboy. The perfectly elusive, funny, sexy and, occasionally emotional, fuckboy who swoops into your heart and makes it seem as though the two of you are destined to be with each other if you just give him a little time. He has told you he has been hurt before in the past and just ‘isn’t ready’ for something more serious, but after months and months of pulling your hair out wondering why he won’t just text you back, it becomes apparent - he’s not emotional and intimate, he’s not tortured or interesting, he’s just manipulating you so that he can continue to have sex with you. There are few things that fill the heart with more blinding rage than when you realize that you just wasted way too much time on a guy that isn’t even worth a passing smile on the street. Folks, it’s time to know the signs, and stop denying the fact that you might just be dating a total fuckboy.
A relationship should be about an equal playing field, it should be about reciprocating and working to fit each other’s puzzle pieces together in order to move towards being a functioning unit. You should be able to operate on your own, as should they, but if you are dating a fuckboy, there is going to be a series of power play dynamics pretty much constantly in the works - one of these being that he never comes over to your place. At his house, he can call the shots, he’s comfortable in his own domain, and does not have to even consider the possibility of learning to adapt to a new setting, but instead, just occasionally have you in his. Fuckboys are masterful emotional manipulators, but they are unlikely to expel much energy for someone they are sleeping with, and will make you do all the leg work - which entails responding to, and acting upon, the ever popular "come over" text.
This is so prevalent and obvious that is has even been repeatedly rendered in pop culture: how many times have you seen the mysterious tall-dark-and-handsome who is completely put off when he opens up enough to go over to the lead woman’s apartment? They can say that they like their stuff, or that they want to sleep in their own bed, or any number of excuses, but the fact is that going over to your apartment for some Netflix and chilling means that he is going to have to get to know more about you. That is not to say that your apartment is going to have your personality draped all over the walls, but it is to say that he is now entering your space - he is the guest, he does not have the control. With that being said, this isn’t a be-all-end-all moment. It might be something that does take time, but it is a big step to consider when asking yourself, "is this guy just a fuckboy?"
This is another big one: a fuckboy is not too keen on sweet little text messages throughout the day. Chances are, if you are dating someone who maintaining a text conversation with feels like ripping teeth out of a skull, then you might be dating a fuckboy.
Imagine this: you start the conversation, even though you told yourself you wouldn’t for at least a day or two, he responds (maybe hours later) with "hey". You ask "how is your day", and he just responds, "good", and you proceed to tear your hair out wondering why this guy who was so nice the last time you went over is so bad at texting. In comes: the excuses - maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s just not a part of a generation that likes texting, maybe he’s more of a face-to-face type of guy, but then, all of a sudden, the mood changes. It’s Friday night, you are out with your friends, and suddenly your phone blows up with sweet, funny, charming messages and then you are right back to square one: wanting to see him. That is the fuckboy text trap. He gives you a little bit here and there, and he leaves his victims wanting more.
Although there are genuinely people in the world who do not really like to text, and there are times when people are maybe a little bit too busy to respond to your messages right away, it is pretty easy to see when someone is being genuine, and when someone is just using you. You can base this off of what sort of reaction they might be rewarded with when they choose to be nice and conversational.
It is perfectly standard to feel terrified to tell someone your dating how you really feel. What if the feelings are not reciprocated? What if you have to go back to being alone and the relationship has to end? Is the current feeling of limbo better than being totally alone?
Let’s say that you finally do get the guts to talk to this person about how you feel about the relationship. You ask them what they are thinking, and tell them that you feel like it might be worth moving forward and seeing each other more often, or, even just tell them "hey, I’m into you." And cue the edging out. The fuckboy is dodgy and does not give any concrete answers, he tells you that he has been really busy with work and he has not had time to think about moving forward in a relationship, "but maybe", because he does not want to necessarily end whats going on. Maybe he tells you that he has been hurt so many times in the past that he is too afraid to start a relationship with anybody, which might make you feel like you want to be the one to show him how to love again. But listen- it is all bullshit. Plain and simple. It’s all emotional manipulation to dodge and weave out of the possibility of having a serious conversation about two people who have been spending time together. He will inevitably offer some sort of bait, and not just totally cut you off completely, because he, of course, enjoys the experience of being able to use someone for sex and warmth - but it’s all a show to get you to stick around for as long as possible.
The fact is, dating someone who only give you glimpses of human emotion when it directly benefits them is exhausting, and hard to quit. People get lonely, and it is totally understandable if you have been sticking around with this person who drives you crazy occasionally, just to avoid the pain of being alone in the world for at least a few hours. But there are better options if you are truly looking for something that is lasting and real and deep. Yes, relationships are hard and require a lot of effort, but they should never be a consistent strain and stressor on you. Nobody you are dating should ever make you feel unloved, uninteresting, or small. You deserve way better - always!
This is another big one: if you are dating a fuckboy, chances are that he does not really ever make you feel like you are a part of his life. Have you met any of his friends? Do they know you exist? What is he doing all of the time that has him so busy day in and day out, every time you want to hang out with him? A guy who is a complete fuckboy is probably really good at never giving you a straight answer - he will almost consistently offer statements that do not really give you the answer you were looking for, but simultaneously put you in a position where you do not necessarily want to ask too much more and bother him. He has put you in an emotional trap where if you push too much, he will make you feel like you are the one who is crazy. People like this are experts at gas-lighting, a term which means to psychologically manipulate someone so much that the person feels as though they are the ones losing their mind through their own doing.
They demand everything from the person they are sleeping with, including pretty much constant availability for when they want to make plans (which will inevitably end in the bedroom, if they get their way). Fuckboys will deliberately try to put you into an emotional position where you don’t want to say no to seeing them, because they make you feel like if you do say no, they will just move on and abandon you.
If you are dating a guy who is oddly flippant (seemingly at the drop of a hat) from time to time, and occasionally completely void of emotions, there is an almost guaranteed likelihood that you are dating a fuckboy. Try to make plans with him and his friends some Saturday night and see how much resistance there is going to be. Do not let him convince you that you are being a needy person by wanting to come out and see him once in a while, which it is pretty much guaranteed to happen if he is a fuckboy. If you see all of these signs of him being distant and cold to you when you are emotionally invested in the situation, then do not waste your time with someone who is just looking for the next thrill anyway.
There are ways to test the waters, and see if the guy you are dating meets this fuckboy criteria. Just be subtle, ask him what he’s doing on Friday night, and ask him if you can come too because you are bored and have no plans. If there is a ton of resistance, then maybe consider dumping this mess and finding someone who actually wants to hang out with you on a Friday night, and obviously wants you to meet their friends!
This is really the most distinct deal-breaker situation when it comes to dating anyone. If you are dating someone, and they have absolutely no capacity to take any responsibility for their actions, but instead push everything back towards you, then something needs to change. Immediately. As mentioned before, a fuckboy is a master manipulator, and will absolutely gas-light you into submission so that he gets his way, and this is one of the many ways that he will do that. He will make statements like, "I didn’t even realize anything was wrong" or "you’re thinking too much about this", and it will be one of the most infuriating and confusing fights you may ever have with a prospective partner. Remember, this is an emotionally stunted and immature person who, at this point in their life (and maybe for the rest of their life), does not really have the capacity to think about other people around him, especially women he’s sleeping with.
The benefit to him in making someone feel this way is that they are highly unlikely to fight with them often, or ever again, because of how horrible the emotional implications are. If someone is upset in a situation with another person, they should absolutely be able to talk about it, and move and grow with the other person, so that it does not happen again. If you’re dating a fuckboy, he just isn’t interested in that. He is only interested in himself, and how he can benefit from the situation.
It is also important to note that some couples do need to learn to grow with each other, and part of that does entail arguments. Sometimes people shut down and cannot help but walk away from the dramatic situation, but if they are truly interested in pursuing something romantic with the partner, then they will figure out a way to compromise their habits so that they are more healthy. These kind of situations are about evaluating and being critical of your surroundings, seeing the common signs, and deciding what to do from there.
The fact is, you should never find yourself dating someone who makes you feel small and insecure. A fuckboy, by definition, will use the feelings that he knows you have for him carelessly, because he is a selfish and drastically immature person. It is not out of the realm of reason that one day he might see the error of his ways, and calm himself down long enough to act like a human being, but why torture yourself? You might have been be hoping that you are going to be the woman that leads him to getting rid of his fuckboy ways. It is a fruitless war to try and mould yourself around the needs of someone who does not give a single fuck about your feelings by making you feel like you are losing your mind every time they ghost you, have sex with other people, or hurt your feelings. You absolutely always deserve more than that, and the fact is that the phrase "there’s plenty of fish in the sea" is not wrong - even though it seems like it may as well be some days. Get out of your fuckboy relationship and take time to remember that nobody has time for that kind of baggage, and that you should not have to bear the load of some guy who isn’t taking your feelings into account, or when he does, it’s fleeting, and to just make you come back to him. Make a promise to yourself: no time for fuckboys!
Now you know when are dating a fuckboy, but do you know when you are actually dating "THE ONE?" CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT!